Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. It means so much to me that people I’ve never met, not only take the time to follow my blog, but to actually convey they’re disappointment and sorrow at what’s happened. Thank you so much.
Secondly, I’ve named this post ‘untitled’ because for the life of me, I can’t think of any appropriate word or sentence that correctly conveys how I’m feeling right now.
The past few weeks have been filled with excitement, trips to mothercare and endless posts on various pregnancy forums, comparing stories and excitement for the future. Each night I would have the same routine, I would get into bed, spend an hour or so trawling these forums, commenting on people’s stories and adding my own posts, I would put the iPad down, touch my belly, whisper “we’re going to sleep now baby, mummy loves you very much” and go to sleep.
Monday 15th April, couldn’t come quickly enough, we were so excited about seeing our little baby and hearing it’s heartbeat. We were going to video it so we could watch it over and over. We arrived at the clinic at about 1430, a mixture of nerves and excitement. I got on the same familiar bed and the nurse began the scan. She told me not to be worried if she had a serious look on her face, so I told her I wouldn’t look at her. A minute or so later, she said “I’ll show you what I can see” she turned the screen toward me and pointed out a big dark area which she explained was the gestational sac, she said it looked like there was a yolk sac, but no baby. The doctor came a few minutes later and confirmed what the nurse said, the baby had stopped developing at some point in the preceding weeks.
The clinic were lovely. They explained what would happen next, I would be referred to an nhs early pregnancy unit for management of what would happen next. I have 3 options, wait for it to happen naturally, go to hospital for surgery or take tablets/pessaries to encourage it to happen. The clinic were unable to contact the hospital so because I was in a hurry to leave, they gave us the details and told us to call them. We did this, only to have the most unsympathetic person answer the phone. We were told things like “what are we supposed to do about it?” Disgusting. Anyway, that aside, I’m booked into the hospital tomorrow for another scan where they will confirm what the clinic have said and we will decide what option to take tomorrow.
I am sitting here now absolutely petrified that this process is going to start naturally. I know some women will feel differently, but I do not in any way want to feel this happening. I want to go into hospital and them do what they have to do whilst I’m asleep. I still can’t believe this is happening to me.
Throughout my pregnancy, the one thing I have been absolutely utterly petrified of is a missed miscarriage. I only found out about them through these forums, but in a way, I’m relieved I knew about it, it prepared me for what happened. Had I not known, I would have gone to that scan absolutely convinced that everything was okay.
In a way, I’m sure I had an inkling that things weren’t right. I had absolutely no symptoms whatsoever. I had no morning sickness, no extra trips to the toilet, no additional tiredness. Despite my friends and family telling me that not everyone experiences symptoms, I thought there must be something wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t really prepare me. Although you have something in the back of your mind telling you to be careful with your emotions, ultimately you are positive.
At the moment I can’t think about what’s going to happen in the next few days let alone starting this whole process again. I am just devastated,