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I’m still here

Yup, I’m still here. It’s been a little over 2 months since my last post and I decided it was probably about time I posted, to let you know that I am still here!

Well, my body is just about getting back to normal after the miscarriage. Physically, I’ve had one period, which was about a week late, mentally I’m ok. That the only word I can think of to describe how I am. Just ok. I feel extremely cheated, like everything I had planned out has been stolen away from me. I know it’s silly to think that way, but I just can’t help it. I keep thinking how this Christmas, we would have had our little baby with us, but no, that little dream has been stolen.

My best friend (you may remember, I told you she lost her 5 month old daughter on New Year’s Eve) is pregnant again. I’m so happy for her, some may say its too soon, but I totally understand her urge to have a child. But I’ll be honest, it hurts like hell. Her sister in law also just announced she was pregnant and I cried and cried. Why can’t it be me?

As far as baby making is concerned, another round of IVF just has to go on the back burner for now. I’ve just been offered a new job which I’m really excited about, plus we really need to sort out selling our house. Now just isn’t the right time to be starting treatment again, despite every fibre in me screaming “do it now!”

So all in all, I’m just plodding along, all the while hearing my body clock ticking louder every single day.

 
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Posted by on July 6, 2013 in Life in General

 

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A medically managed miscarriage

Please be warned, i have gone into detail about what happens during a miscarriage, if you are easily offended or have a weak tummy, probably best you don’t read on.

After the initial appointment with my clinic on 15th April, I had an appointment at the EPU (early pregnancy unit) to confirm the loss of my pregnancy and to arrange the management of the miscarriage. I was placed in a large waiting room with other mothers-to-be waiting for early scans, each woman that came and went before me came out of the sonographers office with big smiles on their faces. It broke my heart knowing that I was going to be coming out with tears staining my cheeks. After some initial confusion as to why I was there, I was taken in and scanned again, the sonographer was completely silent as she looked at the screen and then ushered me back to the waiting room. I was placed next to a woman who had experienced some bleeding whilst on holiday in Las Vegas. She knew full well what was going on behind my curtain, yet still continued to talk unnecessarily loudly and laugh and joke. I actually wanted to kill her. A few minutes later, I could hear the nurses talking about me, trying to figure out my dates, they were under the impression that perhaps I’d got my dates wrong and maybe I was just further behind than I thought. After 10 minutes, I could feel my blood boiling, so had to approach them. I explained that my eggs were collected on 8th march, therefore I definitely was supposed to be 7w6d that day and there is absolutely no way I could be wrong about it. They arranged for their resident fertility doctor to come and speak to me and it was like a breath of fresh air, finally someone who understood and spoke to me with full knowledge. He apologised for our loss and explained the way we were going to deal with it.

As stated in my previous post, I was hoping for surgery to ‘remove’ my baby. However, after discussion with the doctor at the EPU, it was explained that surgery carries too many risks, including ‘nicking’ the inside of my uterus, which could lead to problems with future pregnancies.
A medically managed miscarriage was the only option. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix and told to come back at 10am Saturday 20th April. That night and the following day I began to get some cramping, similar to period pain and was coming and going in waves, nothing majorly painful, but enough to make me know that this was actually happening.

We arrived at hospital on saturday morning at 10am where the nurses explained that they would be inserting a pessaries into my vagina to bring on the miscarriage. Once they had inserted the pessaries, each time I had to use the toilet I would have to put a bedpan over the seat and call the nurses each time to take it away, they were so lovely and despite my initial embarrassment at having to do that, they made me feel really at ease. At 1130 they inserted the pessary and told me to lay on my back for an hour to ensure they dissolve properly. I drifted off to sleep and woke up an hour later to some mild period pain. I got up to go to the toilet and the blood was there straight away. I wasn’t expecting that and it scared me a bit. The pain got considerably worse over the next hour or so and I spent a lot of time sitting on the bed rocking back and forth (my usual trick when I have period pain). A little while later I felt extremely sick, so took myself to the toilet and that was the point I just wanted to die. I know it sounds extreme, but I just felt horrendous, I was absolutely boiling, my stomach was killing and I felt extremely nauseous. I went back to the bed and the nurse decided It was time for pethidine. I was reluctant at first, I was frightened the pain was going to get worse and I wouldn’t be allowed anything else, but the nurse was insistent and next thing I know there’s a needle in my backside. 10 seconds later I vomited several times, but the pain in my tummy was subsiding. I then went to the toilet again where I felt something big come out. I looked in the pan and could see a ball of tissue, with what looked like a knot in it. As soon as I passed it, I felt instantly better, tender, but definitely better. The nurse took it away but said they couldn’t say if it was definitely ‘it’. I went to sleep for a little while, but when the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was really low. They decided to keep me in overnight which I was happy with, I was frightened of that pain coming back whilst at home. Thankfully nothing more happened.

All in all, at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world, but looking back on it, it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. I’ve definitely had worse period pains.

Since being released from hospital on Sunday, I’ve had some light period pain and I’ve passed what I would call ’tissue’, but nothing like I was expecting. I was under the impression that I would have a lot of heavy bleeding and pain, which I haven’t,

Physically I feel okay, mentally and emotionally not so much. People seem to think I should be over it by now, but I am definitely nowhere near that. How long is it acceptable to grieve after having a miscarriage? It feels like it’ll last forever.

 
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Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Baby Making, Pregnancy

 

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Untitled

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my last post. It means so much to me that people I’ve never met, not only take the time to follow my blog, but to actually convey they’re disappointment and sorrow at what’s happened. Thank you so much.
Secondly, I’ve named this post ‘untitled’ because for the life of me, I can’t think of any appropriate word or sentence that correctly conveys how I’m feeling right now.

The past few weeks have been filled with excitement, trips to mothercare and endless posts on various pregnancy forums, comparing stories and excitement for the future. Each night I would have the same routine, I would get into bed, spend an hour or so trawling these forums, commenting on people’s stories and adding my own posts, I would put the iPad down, touch my belly, whisper “we’re going to sleep now baby, mummy loves you very much” and go to sleep.

Monday 15th April, couldn’t come quickly enough, we were so excited about seeing our little baby and hearing it’s heartbeat. We were going to video it so we could watch it over and over. We arrived at the clinic at about 1430, a mixture of nerves and excitement. I got on the same familiar bed and the nurse began the scan. She told me not to be worried if she had a serious look on her face, so I told her I wouldn’t look at her. A minute or so later, she said “I’ll show you what I can see” she turned the screen toward me and pointed out a big dark area which she explained was the gestational sac, she said it looked like there was a yolk sac, but no baby. The doctor came a few minutes later and confirmed what the nurse said, the baby had stopped developing at some point in the preceding weeks.

The clinic were lovely. They explained what would happen next, I would be referred to an nhs early pregnancy unit for management of what would happen next. I have 3 options, wait for it to happen naturally, go to hospital for surgery or take tablets/pessaries to encourage it to happen. The clinic were unable to contact the hospital so because I was in a hurry to leave, they gave us the details and told us to call them. We did this, only to have the most unsympathetic person answer the phone. We were told things like “what are we supposed to do about it?” Disgusting. Anyway, that aside, I’m booked into the hospital tomorrow for another scan where they will confirm what the clinic have said and we will decide what option to take tomorrow.

I am sitting here now absolutely petrified that this process is going to start naturally. I know some women will feel differently, but I do not in any way want to feel this happening. I want to go into hospital and them do what they have to do whilst I’m asleep. I still can’t believe this is happening to me.

Throughout my pregnancy, the one thing I have been absolutely utterly petrified of is a missed miscarriage. I only found out about them through these forums, but in a way, I’m relieved I knew about it, it prepared me for what happened. Had I not known, I would have gone to that scan absolutely convinced that everything was okay.

In a way, I’m sure I had an inkling that things weren’t right. I had absolutely no symptoms whatsoever. I had no morning sickness, no extra trips to the toilet, no additional tiredness. Despite my friends and family telling me that not everyone experiences symptoms, I thought there must be something wrong. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t really prepare me. Although you have something in the back of your mind telling you to be careful with your emotions, ultimately you are positive.

At the moment I can’t think about what’s going to happen in the next few days let alone starting this whole process again. I am just devastated,

 
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Posted by on April 17, 2013 in Baby Making, Pregnancy

 

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Devastated

Just a quick one, had an early scan today at 7w3d and discovered our precious baby stopped developing. It’s known as a missed miscarriage. Apologies for short post, but I am absolutely devastated right now.

 
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Posted by on April 15, 2013 in Pregnancy

 

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The Fear

There is one feeling that far outweighs any other in early pregnancy and that is fear.
You don’t really think about it before pregnancy, everything is geared towards getting that positive result, yes you’re frightened that you’ll get a BFN (big fat negative) but once you’re actually pregnant, the fear is on a whole other level.

For the first few weeks every single twinge, pain or funny feeling sends waves of fear racing through your veins and the panic sets in. I have never been so frightened to go to the toilet through fear of what I mind find. I’m 5weeks 6 days today and I’ve calmed down slightly. I keep telling myself that there is no reason for this not to be a normal pregnancy and then count down the days until my first scan (11 days to go!).

I don’t actually feel any different. Any ‘symptoms’ I may have experienced could truly be in my mind or have another logical explanation. So far I have experienced a metallic taste in my mouth on a few occasions, doesn’t last long though. I have had uncontrollable and unexplained irritability and anger outbursts, a bad back, period type pains, insomnia, mild nausea and have found myself to be quite weepy. My boobs have grown a considerable amount and they are very sore. However, that, along with all the other symptoms could be down to the progesterone pessaries I’ve been using.

Call me crazy, but I am desperate for a bit of morning sickness just to make me feel pregnant and so I know everything is okay.

Tomorrow marks 6 weeks. Still early, but to me each week is a massive milestone!

 
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Posted by on April 4, 2013 in Pregnancy

 

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Wowsers! 4w4d

Well well well. Firstly, thank you all so much for your lovely comments and congratulations, is seems so strange that people are congratulating me because I am actually pregnant!

Confession time. I was testing positive from Tuesday last week. As mentioned in my previous post, I left my mums house in rather a hurry after finding some blood when I wiped.d. When I got home, I decided to POAS (pee on a stick). I didn’t look, but handed it to DW. she said “yeah, 2 lines” (she didn’t realise this meant pregnant!) I snatched it off her and was staring at it. It was faint, but definitely there. I spent the rest of the night in disbelief and was only cautiously optimistic as I was still spotting when I went to the toilet. The next morning I POAS again and there is was, slightly stronger than the 12 hours earlier. I was still experiencing some period type pains, but I’d decided to stop looking when I went top the toilet, and figured that what I can’t see, I can’t worry about.

I tested every day and sure enough, positive, positive, positive! That was until my OTD (official test date) which was Sunday. DW had bought clearblue instead of first response and I was not happy about it. I had used one the day before and the second line took ages to come. I’m superstitious and like to keep things the same. So as usual I POAS and……..nothing. Completely negative. Cue me flapping and panicking and driving to three different telcos trying to find a first response. Three quarters of an hour later, I was home and looking at a strong positive on the first response. Looking at the clearblue I didn’t wee on it properly! The control line was very faint so I could breathe a sigh of relief!

Telling my mum was the most exciting thing ever. I bought her a card which said ‘congratulations’ and inside it said “you’re going to be a nan!” It was the best reaction ever. She was so unbelievably excited. It was a big week for my mum, my little brother got engaged on Monday, so she had lots of reasons to be happy!

A for how I, feeling it’s weird. I don’t really know how I feel. I’m extremely excited, but also very aware of the fact it’s extremely early days. I am determined to stay positive and believe that this little baby is going to be wonderful and healthy and come out on or near it’s due date, which is 29 November!

People keep asking me if I feel pregnant. I have no idea! I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like! I’ve lost my appetite, the thought of eating makes me feel sick. Not like I’m going to be physically sick, but more like a mental thing. I think it’s excitement mor than anything!

I have my first scan booked for 15 April. They tell you the 2ww is a hard wait, well it’s nothing like waiting for your first scan!

 
3 Comments

Posted by on March 26, 2013 in Baby Making, Pregnancy

 

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A picture says a thousand words

20130324-162135.jpg

 
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Posted by on March 24, 2013 in Baby Making

 

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