The worst days

It seems so long since my last post, when everything was wonderful and we were counting down the days to the drug taking, indicating the start of our IVF journey. Then all our lives changed forever. The baby I watched come into the world just 5 months ago, that I loved so much, died on New Year’s Eve and we have no idea why. The pain and grief we have all been dealing with over the last 3 weeks has been indescribable. To watch my best friend lose her mother, her father and now her precious baby daughter all in 8 months is beyond cruel. Life can be so unfair.

She was happy for us to continue with the IVF, but in all honesty, I don’t think I could have coped with the side effects of the drugs whilst simultaneously grieving for our precious little girl. Thankfully the LWC were happy for us to delay as long as we want, so at the moment we are planning on going ahead this month. I’m hoping its going to give us all something to concentrate on, with hopefully some good news at the end.

We had an appointment a few weeks ago to show us how to do the injections, and I’ve got to say, I am a massive wimp, I go dizzy at the sight of a needle, but i honestly didn’t even feel it go in. Thankfully I have a rather large spare tyre around my midriff which is why I think I didn’t feel it.

Anyhow, the next step is to wait until I get my official plan through the post from the LWC which will tell me when I need to start injecting and when my scans will be. From my calculations, the first injection will be 7th February, this stage is called ‘down regulating’ which, from what I understand, means I will be going through a mini menopause. I think the drugs tell my ovaries to stop doing anything, so the clinic can be in complete control of when everything will happen.

It feels very strange to be still thinking about the IVF when we have such a horrendous few months ahead of us. I can’t help feeling selfish, but my best friend is the kindest, loveliest person I have ever met and I know she doesn’t want us to put anything on hold for her sake, as she said, hopefully it will give us all something to see a future for.