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A medically managed miscarriage

25 Apr

Please be warned, i have gone into detail about what happens during a miscarriage, if you are easily offended or have a weak tummy, probably best you don’t read on.

After the initial appointment with my clinic on 15th April, I had an appointment at the EPU (early pregnancy unit) to confirm the loss of my pregnancy and to arrange the management of the miscarriage. I was placed in a large waiting room with other mothers-to-be waiting for early scans, each woman that came and went before me came out of the sonographers office with big smiles on their faces. It broke my heart knowing that I was going to be coming out with tears staining my cheeks. After some initial confusion as to why I was there, I was taken in and scanned again, the sonographer was completely silent as she looked at the screen and then ushered me back to the waiting room. I was placed next to a woman who had experienced some bleeding whilst on holiday in Las Vegas. She knew full well what was going on behind my curtain, yet still continued to talk unnecessarily loudly and laugh and joke. I actually wanted to kill her. A few minutes later, I could hear the nurses talking about me, trying to figure out my dates, they were under the impression that perhaps I’d got my dates wrong and maybe I was just further behind than I thought. After 10 minutes, I could feel my blood boiling, so had to approach them. I explained that my eggs were collected on 8th march, therefore I definitely was supposed to be 7w6d that day and there is absolutely no way I could be wrong about it. They arranged for their resident fertility doctor to come and speak to me and it was like a breath of fresh air, finally someone who understood and spoke to me with full knowledge. He apologised for our loss and explained the way we were going to deal with it.

As stated in my previous post, I was hoping for surgery to ‘remove’ my baby. However, after discussion with the doctor at the EPU, it was explained that surgery carries too many risks, including ‘nicking’ the inside of my uterus, which could lead to problems with future pregnancies.
A medically managed miscarriage was the only option. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix and told to come back at 10am Saturday 20th April. That night and the following day I began to get some cramping, similar to period pain and was coming and going in waves, nothing majorly painful, but enough to make me know that this was actually happening.

We arrived at hospital on saturday morning at 10am where the nurses explained that they would be inserting a pessaries into my vagina to bring on the miscarriage. Once they had inserted the pessaries, each time I had to use the toilet I would have to put a bedpan over the seat and call the nurses each time to take it away, they were so lovely and despite my initial embarrassment at having to do that, they made me feel really at ease. At 1130 they inserted the pessary and told me to lay on my back for an hour to ensure they dissolve properly. I drifted off to sleep and woke up an hour later to some mild period pain. I got up to go to the toilet and the blood was there straight away. I wasn’t expecting that and it scared me a bit. The pain got considerably worse over the next hour or so and I spent a lot of time sitting on the bed rocking back and forth (my usual trick when I have period pain). A little while later I felt extremely sick, so took myself to the toilet and that was the point I just wanted to die. I know it sounds extreme, but I just felt horrendous, I was absolutely boiling, my stomach was killing and I felt extremely nauseous. I went back to the bed and the nurse decided It was time for pethidine. I was reluctant at first, I was frightened the pain was going to get worse and I wouldn’t be allowed anything else, but the nurse was insistent and next thing I know there’s a needle in my backside. 10 seconds later I vomited several times, but the pain in my tummy was subsiding. I then went to the toilet again where I felt something big come out. I looked in the pan and could see a ball of tissue, with what looked like a knot in it. As soon as I passed it, I felt instantly better, tender, but definitely better. The nurse took it away but said they couldn’t say if it was definitely ‘it’. I went to sleep for a little while, but when the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was really low. They decided to keep me in overnight which I was happy with, I was frightened of that pain coming back whilst at home. Thankfully nothing more happened.

All in all, at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world, but looking back on it, it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. I’ve definitely had worse period pains.

Since being released from hospital on Sunday, I’ve had some light period pain and I’ve passed what I would call ’tissue’, but nothing like I was expecting. I was under the impression that I would have a lot of heavy bleeding and pain, which I haven’t,

Physically I feel okay, mentally and emotionally not so much. People seem to think I should be over it by now, but I am definitely nowhere near that. How long is it acceptable to grieve after having a miscarriage? It feels like it’ll last forever.

 
20 Comments

Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Baby Making, Pregnancy

 

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20 responses to “A medically managed miscarriage

  1. cindysn

    April 25, 2013 at 17:34

    I am so sorry that you had to go through that

     
  2. mumof4

    April 25, 2013 at 20:24

    I’m so sorry – it is a horrible thing to go through. When I had mine I grieved for quite some time but I wasn’t allowed to try again for nearly 9 months (it was a molar pregnancy). I think unless somebody has experienced it, they do find it hard to understand, and expect you to just ‘get over it’ quite quickly. Give yourself time and don’t try to rush the grieving process x

     
    • itsmekatielou

      April 26, 2013 at 16:48

      I agree, I think you have to experience it to really understand x

       
  3. pepibebe

    April 25, 2013 at 21:02

    I’m so sorry. I lost 2 babies at 12 weeks each and grieved for a long time. I guess with the first I grieved hard until I was lucky enough 2 months later to get pregnant again. When I lost that one I grieved for months and months. In fact, I’d probably say that I’ve only just stopped grieving in the last couple of months, so it took me about 11 months. Mine was exacerbated by the fact that we couldn’t try again for 8mths, haven’t been successful since, and the fact that my brothers first child was conceived 2 weeks after our first and lives just 5mins away from us, so is a constant reminder of our gaping hole/s. there are some poems on my poems page about my grief and anger and healing, and a post called Sweet Dreams that you might like to read. I hope you feel better soon.

     
    • itsmekatielou

      April 26, 2013 at 16:48

      How awful for you, you’ve been through some awful times, will pop over and have a read x

       
  4. amy

    April 26, 2013 at 04:12

    thankful that it “wasnt as bad” as you had thought, still very sorry that you had to go through this. dont forget that there isn’t a “right” amount of time to grieve, it takes as long as it takes. sending hugs.

     
  5. littleduckies

    April 26, 2013 at 07:36

    I am so sorry you had to go through this.
    The grieving won’t last forever. Every woman grieves for a different length of time, and in different ways.
    I am wondering why: they gave you an oral dose first, and what/why pethidine. They just gave me 800 cytotec vaginally…and told me to lay on my back for 2 hours. But if there’s one thing I’m starting to understand, it’s that the protocol for miscarriages varies greatly amongst hospitals and practitioners.
    And thank you for the gory details. It really helps, in some twisted, weird way.
    Did they tell you if it all came out in the end? Are they testing it? I wish they would’ve given me something to put it all in, that way they could’ve given me a lot more info…
    And I HATED the fact that both for the u/s and for my doctor I had to wait with pregnant women. It’s really, really cruel. They should have separate pregnancy/miscarriage-TTC hours, so that anyone who’s having a miscarriage has people to commiserate with and doesn’t have to see and hear pregnant people. I think they do it on purpose to torture us.
    Also – just FYI – it sounds like the cramps were actually contractions. I had the same stuff…
    Except that unlike you, I don’t have the guts to post about it on my blog.

     
    • itsmekatielou

      April 26, 2013 at 16:43

      No, they didn’t tell me if it all came out, but nothing further has come out, so I can only assume that was it. They didnt mention anything about testing it, they just said it would be cremated and ashes spread in a cemetary near the hospital. The pethidine was for the pain.
      From what I’ve read on other forums and blogs, treatment does vary differently in different hospitals, it’s very strange.

       
      • littleduckies

        April 27, 2013 at 19:28

        I assume you have or had a follow-up appointment with your doctor.
        It’s kind of scary that there are so many different protocols – it means that nothing is certain, and that you can find a doctor to advocate just about anything. I wish there was something more concrete.

         
  6. LJ

    April 26, 2013 at 11:23

    It took me about 2 months to process, cry, get angry. Once I started treatment again the pain seemed a distant memory. The first month was definitely the worst – a constant state of why me? One thing that stuck in mind and did help is that mc is not personal. Thinking of you.

     
    • itsmekatielou

      April 26, 2013 at 16:40

      Thanks so much, think time is the only healer x

       
  7. K

    April 26, 2013 at 18:24

    I haven’t read what other commenters have said. But don’t let ANYONE tell you you need to get over it or that there’s a time limit. I’ve had two miscarriages, one three years ago and another two years ago, and they still hurt. I know it’s hard, but try and give yourself a break and allow yourself to feel what you feel without limitations. Be angry, be sad, it’s all ok.

     
  8. Trixy

    April 27, 2013 at 20:31

    Theres some graphic bits in this comment, so please don’t read on if it will upset you.

    Hi Katielou, I’m so sorry for your loss, I can say I know exactly how you feel (it’s Trixy of FF). Reading your post has made me realise I wished I’d gone for the medically managed option, I might not have passed out in a pol of my own blood on the bathroom floor at 4.30am on Friday morning and I could have pain relief. I’d been booked in for ERPC on Saturday (reading the risks has made me glad I didn’t go for this option) but my body decided otherwise. Luckily I was scanned yesterday in EPAU and most of it was gone and they were able to remove the last bits (including the foetus, those words will haunt me forever) while I was there, it didn’t hurt, just felt weird. The unit were amazing, so kind and understanding. We were offered as much time alone as we needed, even got cups of tea yesterday. Phoned today for advice about the pain I’ve been in and again, the nurse was so kind to me.

    I have no idea how long we’re supposed to grieve for, as long as it takes I expect. The thing I can’t get out my head at the minute is that I feel so stupid. I’ve been wandering around for two weeks thinking everything was ok. I’d not had any pg symptoms from the start so didn’t notice any difference there. Scan at 6+4 was good, scan at 8+1 was good but then at 10+3 was only measuring 7 and a half. Seen midwife this week, even wore a maternity dress to hide my bump at work. What I fool, I had no idea what was going on in my own body.

    Sorry for hijacking your blog with my massive comment. I would never wish this upon anyone but I am so grateful to be able to talk to other people who really know what it’s like.

    Xx

     
  9. Sarah

    May 2, 2013 at 20:41

    Honey, I’m so very sorry. I had my miscarriage in November last year, and while it isn’t as raw as it once was, it is still very very painful. I’m not sure I’ll ever be “over it”. I’m sending you wishes for love and peace.

     
  10. Isa

    May 7, 2013 at 19:25

    What a horrible experience. I’m so sorry you had to go through all of this.

     
  11. lucinainhope

    May 9, 2013 at 21:49

    Hi Katie, I just popped in to catch up on your news and am so sad to hear of the loss. It is so hard after being filled with such hope but I’m sure that, when you’re ready, you will fall pregnant again and be blessed with a child. Thinking of you xx

     
  12. Sarah

    May 21, 2013 at 16:18

    Just checking in on you…how are you doing?

     

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