Please be warned, i have gone into detail about what happens during a miscarriage, if you are easily offended or have a weak tummy, probably best you don’t read on.
After the initial appointment with my clinic on 15th April, I had an appointment at the EPU (early pregnancy unit) to confirm the loss of my pregnancy and to arrange the management of the miscarriage. I was placed in a large waiting room with other mothers-to-be waiting for early scans, each woman that came and went before me came out of the sonographers office with big smiles on their faces. It broke my heart knowing that I was going to be coming out with tears staining my cheeks. After some initial confusion as to why I was there, I was taken in and scanned again, the sonographer was completely silent as she looked at the screen and then ushered me back to the waiting room. I was placed next to a woman who had experienced some bleeding whilst on holiday in Las Vegas. She knew full well what was going on behind my curtain, yet still continued to talk unnecessarily loudly and laugh and joke. I actually wanted to kill her. A few minutes later, I could hear the nurses talking about me, trying to figure out my dates, they were under the impression that perhaps I’d got my dates wrong and maybe I was just further behind than I thought. After 10 minutes, I could feel my blood boiling, so had to approach them. I explained that my eggs were collected on 8th march, therefore I definitely was supposed to be 7w6d that day and there is absolutely no way I could be wrong about it. They arranged for their resident fertility doctor to come and speak to me and it was like a breath of fresh air, finally someone who understood and spoke to me with full knowledge. He apologised for our loss and explained the way we were going to deal with it.
As stated in my previous post, I was hoping for surgery to ‘remove’ my baby. However, after discussion with the doctor at the EPU, it was explained that surgery carries too many risks, including ‘nicking’ the inside of my uterus, which could lead to problems with future pregnancies.
A medically managed miscarriage was the only option. I was given a tablet to soften my cervix and told to come back at 10am Saturday 20th April. That night and the following day I began to get some cramping, similar to period pain and was coming and going in waves, nothing majorly painful, but enough to make me know that this was actually happening.
We arrived at hospital on saturday morning at 10am where the nurses explained that they would be inserting a pessaries into my vagina to bring on the miscarriage. Once they had inserted the pessaries, each time I had to use the toilet I would have to put a bedpan over the seat and call the nurses each time to take it away, they were so lovely and despite my initial embarrassment at having to do that, they made me feel really at ease. At 1130 they inserted the pessary and told me to lay on my back for an hour to ensure they dissolve properly. I drifted off to sleep and woke up an hour later to some mild period pain. I got up to go to the toilet and the blood was there straight away. I wasn’t expecting that and it scared me a bit. The pain got considerably worse over the next hour or so and I spent a lot of time sitting on the bed rocking back and forth (my usual trick when I have period pain). A little while later I felt extremely sick, so took myself to the toilet and that was the point I just wanted to die. I know it sounds extreme, but I just felt horrendous, I was absolutely boiling, my stomach was killing and I felt extremely nauseous. I went back to the bed and the nurse decided It was time for pethidine. I was reluctant at first, I was frightened the pain was going to get worse and I wouldn’t be allowed anything else, but the nurse was insistent and next thing I know there’s a needle in my backside. 10 seconds later I vomited several times, but the pain in my tummy was subsiding. I then went to the toilet again where I felt something big come out. I looked in the pan and could see a ball of tissue, with what looked like a knot in it. As soon as I passed it, I felt instantly better, tender, but definitely better. The nurse took it away but said they couldn’t say if it was definitely ‘it’. I went to sleep for a little while, but when the nurse checked my blood pressure, it was really low. They decided to keep me in overnight which I was happy with, I was frightened of that pain coming back whilst at home. Thankfully nothing more happened.
All in all, at the time it felt like the worst thing in the world, but looking back on it, it wasn’t quite as bad as I expected. I’ve definitely had worse period pains.
Since being released from hospital on Sunday, I’ve had some light period pain and I’ve passed what I would call ’tissue’, but nothing like I was expecting. I was under the impression that I would have a lot of heavy bleeding and pain, which I haven’t,
Physically I feel okay, mentally and emotionally not so much. People seem to think I should be over it by now, but I am definitely nowhere near that. How long is it acceptable to grieve after having a miscarriage? It feels like it’ll last forever.